you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
