then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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