I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
