i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
