Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
