alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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