There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
