I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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