he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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