Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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