kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
