There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
