then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
