Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
