i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have aggressive nipples.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
