I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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