Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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