you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
