So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
