My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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