i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
