Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
