You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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