If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Who died my cat blue again?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
