it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
