if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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