So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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