i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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