brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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