My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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