Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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