She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it was like eating out sand paper
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
