with your own penis?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
