The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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