So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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