I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
