1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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