eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The air was thick with penises
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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