Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
