Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
