I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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