whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize