dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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