im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
