These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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