i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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