Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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