Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
