i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
