Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
