Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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