He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
