I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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