Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
