apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
