dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
