I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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