I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
