My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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