Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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